the wake up call

today was a weird one.i go to an event & there is this black woman standing alone being ignored.i walk over & we start to talk.she says she is trying very hard to fit in so that the white people will know she belongs.she seems embarrassed to be seen with me.i tell her it doesnt matter what she does, it is like that "what do you call a black doctor" joke & they will always see her as a n!gger. mlk didnt change that, obama didnt change that, & saint beyonce didnt change that.

she says racism only affects black people who act like stereotypes(let that sink in) & somehow her $10 dress, kim kardashian valley girl accent, & knock off shoes were going to prevent it.when i was younger i was just as ignorant.

she said that it was my negative attitude that made people call me a n!gger.i didnt tell her my stories because she wouldnt understand.

the time when i called about a job in hollywood & was told he didnt hire n!ggers
or the time when the woman said she didnt rent to "you people"
or the time a security guard assaulted me,called me a n!gger, & kept his job
or the time when i was told my natural hair was gross so i didnt get the acting job
or the time when i was just standing on the corner & some man yelled out n!gger to me
or the teenager who yells n!gger into my window every time she passes
or the time when the police handcuffed me & knocked me down because i was walking in a non black neighborhood in the afternoon

she kept going on & on about how my negative attitude was the reason why racist things happened to me & how i needed to change my mind.i said others needed to stop being racist & i know my worth so there was nothing that needed to be changed.

like i said,i used to be that ignorant.i assumed since i was hard working, beautiful, & smart that people would see me as an individual.i love heavy metal,speak japanese badly, hang out with the aristocracy, have a good job, & no "baby daddies".i hate watermelon, am an atheist, have traveled all around the world, ALWAYS has a book in my purse,bought a guitar, & play the flute. i didnt fall into the usual traps,didnt let god or men distract me. but like my neighbor(the 5'3 mexican man covered in prison tattoos with 5 kids all living in a 1 bedroom apartment) said, i am the stereotype.all people will ever see is black skin & never just Dallas the person.no amount of me pretending everything is ok is going to change that.

she asked me why i looked so sad.i was sad because she really believed that her light skin & "good hair" was going to shield her from white supremacy.i was sad because she probably had a white mom who lied & said she was better than normal black people.i was sad because she would waste most of her life trying to be a model minority for people who hated her.they wouldnt see that light skin or "good hair", they'd just see a n!gger. just like moi

the n!gger wake up call can be harsh & i'm glad i got mine while alone.i hope hers is the same.