Monday, September 18, 2023

Jeanne du Barry review


ive seen damn near every english language movie/tv show about the french kings & i still mix up the mistresses/kings so this might be confusing(for me and you,lol).the problem is too many are named louis but that is a rant for another time. i cannot stand johnny depp but i have a huge versailles shaped hole in my heart so...

im going to assume the narrator is johnny & its really irking me.a film about a woman should have HER as the narrator, not some man(especially not one who did not even love her). 6 minutes in & this movie has already given me a headache.

johnnys french isnt that great but it isnt as bad as i thought it would be. none of the casting makes sense. johnny depp looks even more like a corpse in that makeup plus he isnt french nor does he look anything like the king.if i can hear his american accent when speaking french, then i know actual french people can hear it. & i get you dont have to be the most beautiful woman to be the kings mistress but maiwenn literally looks like a chimp(no offense cause i know the french have different taste than we do).its a movie so i have to suspend disbelief but come onnnnnnnn.

her future husbands family getting excited when shes about to go fvck the king makes me feel some type of way.the majority of wedding dresses before queen victoria were not white so its annoying when they do it in movies. maiwenns irl son plays the dauphin & he looks just as inbred as she does. this movie is boring but i am enjoying the sets & costumes. its a movie about jeanne but jeanne is a mystery. 

i like how she enters the room & somebody whispers "what a slut". the king gives her a slave child named zamor.she is basically treating this boy like a puppy & i want to vomit. irl he snitched on her in the french revolution & got her executed. good for him! its weird how in the scene with the princesses they try to set them up as racist but it was jeanne who owned him so how clean could her hands have been? they may have talked about a slave while she owned one. you would think since maiwenn is the director she wouldve made her part better but most of this is just a self drag & she does nothing more than giggle or look cross eyed into the camera.

Tuesday, September 12, 2023

a star is born

 feeling a bit nostalgic since so many exs have crawled out of the woodworks lately.i dont know if ive told this story before,but since this is my blog,i can do what i want. this is the story of how i was "discovered". 

by this time i'd already done a reality tv show with corey feldman that i assume was never on tv(i really have no idea).i had been on other tv shows & had small parts in independent movies. mtv was doing a wrestling show & somehow i had been invited backstage. i had a crush on one of the wrestlers(did he invite me? i dont remember). i do remember feeling pissed because the wrestler had been rude. an unattractive, boring man had been following me around backstage. since he refused to leave me alone, i told him to be useful, & demanded that he get on his knees & rub my feet(which he did).

the annoying man said(while he was rubbing my feet), "by the way, im the casting director at mtv & i would like for you to go to dinner with me tomorrow, then come to my office to audition the next day". i say ok & he leaves. we go to dinner,i get wasted as per usual, & the next morning i am at his office to audition for "rock of love"(no casting couch shenanigans but yes today he wouldve definitely have been canceled).they were acting like i was the 2nd coming of jesus, they had never seen someone so funny. a star is born!

Friday, October 21, 2022

Phantom of the Mall : Eric's Revenge

 Phantom of the Mall : Eric's Revenge is one of the worst movie titles i've seen in a took me way too long to figure out this isnt a sequel. i'm mad morgan fairchild looks younger now than she did in 1989. 

these "teens" are so wrinkled, barf. pauly shore is looking surprisingly cute. more filthy carpet, this looks like the mall in "chopping mall". gratuitous changing room scene with all the doors open but at least this time they cast women who arent shaped like 9 year olds.

not the security guard jumping on top of the elevator like some kind of monster. i wonder how much coke was used while writing(& approving) these scripts.

not the other security guard putting on his glasses when pauly gets naked. this is an entire mess.

Friday, October 14, 2022

Interview with the Vampire 2022

 you already know how i feel about unsexy, unattractive vampires.......

so i wasnt going to watch Interview with the Vampire because the original is so good & i doubt they will be able to top it.

for this, i think they shouldve gotten rid of the framing device & just called it lestat. we dont need more unattractive actors in this & nobody cares about the reporter. let's just get right to the gay vampire stuff.

why would the vampire send cassette tapes? do they even still make cassette tapes? you cant buy them in a normal store so unless he bought 800 in 1987 then i dont understand whats going on. also, why would louis need a reporter in 2022 when he could just set up a blog & do it himself? not even 5 minutes in & there are too many plot holes.

this is dumb.theres no way lestat would be walking around in antique clothing in 1910.the only time he wasnt "dressed to kill" was when he was sick.i get they are trying to put some goth flavor into it but if youre going to insist on setting it in 1910 then the costumes need to be accurate.

of course,they made the black louis a literal pimp because god forbid there isnt 1 second of non stereotypical cliches while a black actor is on screen. its funny because im sure the white males writing the script really thought they did something. none of this sounds like anything anne rice wouldve actually wrote....

consent is great & more men need to learn about/practice getting consent but this @nal scene is ridiculous & unnecessary. it took me 4 days to watch the 1st 8 minutes now im regretting all my life choices.

everybody in his family has a different(bad) accent & nobody looks alike........

lestat isnt sexy & all these dudes are ugly. 

louis already said he didnt speak french but obviously understood what lestat said in french. is he reading lestats mind or did the writer not read the script? lestats accent is all over the place. he literally makes time stop & louis acts like this is normal.

of course they HAD to shoe horn in a tap dancing scene. im surprised they didnt cool down afterwards with watermelon.

Friday, October 7, 2022

Chopping Mall

i HATE horror movies but i'm in the mood for some halloween-esque entertainment. tonight i will be watching Chopping Mall for the 1st time. its so fun seeing the beverly center in the 1980s with {gasp} carpet on the floors! never in my life have i seen a carpeted mall. this might be the best part of the movie.

mary woronov is such a huge part of my childhood.

of course, there is a gratuitous locker room nude scene(in the mall?) showcasing lots of flat white asses & a-cups. what is the point of doing all that just to cast women shaped like toothpicks? i have no idea.

all this carpet is really freaking me out.

i feel like they shouldve made the "teens"(who look 40) more sympathetic. when the killbot exploded homegirls head, i could only laugh. who gaf if these morons die? good riddance! who breaks into a mall to have sex with 6 other people in the room?

i'm confused why they are going to try & "kill" the robots with a gun. wouldnt a cup of water work even better? i only watched this because i  assumed mary woronov would have a bigger part & now i have the sads. hopefully the killbots will get rid of most of these "teens".

the acting is just so incredibly bad.its like they werent cast for looks, talent, OR charisma.

2nd best part of this movie: learning that at one time there was a store named "krush groove". 9 more minutes to go & i really just want to watch "trailer park boys" again. the ending was dumb but the whole thing was dumb so...........

Saturday, October 1, 2022

dark shadows 1966 vs 1991 vs 2004 vs 2012

1966  i tried to watch dark shadows years ago but it was so boring & the sets were so cheap that i couldnt,i turned off the 1st episode after a couple of minutes. due to dummies not washing their hands, i had plenty of time to try again last year. its pretty slow & they repeat scenes over & over for those who missed episodes but its(unintentionally) funny. i find the child actors to be annoying but the worst is the little girl playing sarah collins with the THICK baltimore accent. where tf did they find her? did they even film in baltimore? the whole thing is live & she RARELY knew her lines yet they stayed paying her!

as ive already said, a good vampire needs to be sexy or scary & johnathan frid was neither. the acting is bad & the sets look like they would fall over if you leaned on them. sometimes the crew guys are running in the background or you can see the microphones bobbing over heads. dark shadows was basically twilight for 1960s housewives. i spend most of the episodes playing on my phone but i can see how this blew peoples minds back in the day & why they keep remaking it.

the original was never that good but they really jumped the shark with adam/frankenstein.

1991 more money for wardrobe/sets & the acting is A LITTLE better but not worth watching. they made a complicated plot even more complicated for no reason. ben cross was incredibly unattractive & not scary as barnabas. jean simmons was a glorified extra & joanna going was pretty but useless.

2004/2012 the 2004 pilot was boring & not worth talking about at all.i completely forgot that i even saw it a couple of months ago. i HATED the 2012 film when i first saw it. tim burton hasnt made a good movie since edward scissorhands.  

yikes! was it really necessary for the little boy to imply he watches his cousin masturbate? not even 20 minutes in & im frowning. eva green is so underrated. it irks me greatly when shows/movies have vampires walking around in sunlight(a myth that was started in nosferatu?). these sex scenes are KILLING me!

the movie was cute but the ending sucked.i probably wont watch it again though it was much better than i remembered

Tuesday, September 27, 2022

the munsters 2022

 i always preferred the addams family over the munsters so i actually wasnt going to watch this but i am pretty sick today & have plenty of time to waste. the eddie izzard munsters pilot was pretty good & its a shame that was never a tv show.

this looks VERY cheap. its funny how i see reviews with white men complaining that sheri moon zombie is "too old" now but she looked worn out & 40 in the 1990s & everybody lied & said she was hot. i get the tone is supposed to be zany/wacky but its just coming off lame & like a childrens tv show. i assumed rob zombie had talent but idk about this.

sheri moon cant act & i only laughed once. elvira's role shouldve been WAY bigger. why waste film on sheri when elvira is right there?

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

ugliness is unamerican/god save the king

 i'm watching this terrible movie called skidoo & one of the characters says "ugliness is unamerican" & it just blew my mind. in america, looks are everything. who cares if you are dying from a preventable disease because you have no insurance, as long as you wear the right clothes & have the "right" color skin. america is just a 3rd world country in a gucci belt. all style & no substance. who cares that people have no clean water to drink in MULTIPLE cities as long as the president is white again, huh?


its weird to see the fall of the american empire in real time.

i always thought i would feel some type of way when queen elizabeth died but i feel nothing. like literally nothing. i totally forgot it even happened until i saw another article about it. she was a part of our lives(good or bad) & now she is gone. will there be positive change in england? probably not but we can hope. hope is free!

Wednesday, July 13, 2022

reddit is racist like the rest of the world


i'm minding my own business as per usual & i see this comment

Ewwww you're black lmao. These 

bums already have more worth

 than you

ok. i report it & get this message a couple of minutes later

"Thanks for submitting a report to the Reddit admin team. After investigating, we’ve found that the reported content doesn’t violate Reddit’s Content Policy."

now if i had said people with penises dont need to be in female only spaces or women have periods, i wouldve been banned but its perfectly ok to say bums have more worth than black people. i'm not surprised, its just weird how EVERYBODY is ok with being as racist/sexist as possible & we just have to pretend its normal.

Sunday, March 27, 2022

white people love dogs more than they love black people


we know

you dont have to keep saying it in various ways

we get it

you can stop now

some idiot decided that he was going to post something i said on twitter to reddit because how dare i point out that loving dogs is not a sign that someone is good! we all know how hitler loved HIS dogs. was hitler a good man? one to praise? is hitler better than me? better than black people? lmfao

racists calling me shaniqua & talking about how "you people" do this & "you people" do that but are somehow good(& the racism is cancelled) because they like dogs? can someone please explain to me how this works because i really do not understand. y'all cry hot salty tears for dogs but laugh when black people are hurt. is that christlike? 

people who didnt understand the joke 800 years ago trying to drag me for being black & alive is so weird. please get a life & read a book. the sun is killing y'all. covid(aka not washing your hands or having basic hygiene) is killing y'all. the earth is trying to kill y'all. your birth rates go down every day, your fertility is trash. worry about that not what i'm typing on twitter. lol