Wednesday, May 27, 2020

the customer is not always right: coronavirus edition

ive had to cancel about 8 orders this month(& close my etsy shop completely) due to rude buyers.i get people are stressed & its a weird time but guess what, EVERYBODY has been having a sh!tty 2020 so maybe relax before you email angrily about something that doesnt even matter. its not my fault the coronavirus has made a mess of the world & its certainly not my fault why you didnt read it before buying(a way too common problem).

i guess since the karens cant yell at shop people anymore, they moved their entitlement online.it doesnt bother me at all cancelling an order to rude buyers. most of society just encourages them to act even worse.

Friday, May 22, 2020

Valley Girl 2020

who tf was asking for a musical remake of valley girl? nic cage is damn near perfect in the original & idk who this new guy is but i doubt he can fill those shoes. he has hair like the dude from nickelback & is dressed like its 2004, nowhere near punk, new wave, or 1980s so i'm already skeptical.

do we really need it framed that she's telling this story to her daughter? who cares about this annoying child? lets get to the sangin' & dancin'! ive always found alicia silverstone to be annoying when not playing cher so hopefully her scenes are very short. all of this reminds me that i STILL havent seen rock of ages. idk why but most post 1960s musicals are just so bad to me, like everybody stopped caring about writing good songs for them once musicals stopped being popular.hairspray is one of my favorite movies yet the remake was just ok(i forgot i even saw it, it was so bland).

mandy moore did the choreography. what tf does mandy moore know about dancing? has she ever danced? how did i miss that? was i in the bathroom? why is tptb trying to make logan paul a thing? i feel like i'm going to be asking a lot of questions for this movie.

i get why they added a fat white girl to the preppy group but i doubt that wouldve really happened in the 1980s. fat people then were (at best) the punchline, not in the popular cliques. i dont understand why they set it in the 80s yet nobodys hair/makeup/outfits are 80s. wearing a normal dress & then putting on ankle socks doesnt make it 1980s. you can tell they spent a lot of money but its annoying(like 1950s movies set in other periods but the costumes scream out "1950s trends").

white mediocrity strikes again! logan paul has a face like a foot but he was cast as the hot popular guy. they go to a costume party & this is the only time they are in actual 1980s style clothing. :-(

they used all the original footage of them cruising down hollywood & it doesnt match the new film at all,the film stock/colors are different & the people are actually wearing 1980s clothes.i was wondering how they would handle that since the sunset strip looks so much different now.stuff like that only works if you are filming in black & white & the wardrobe people know what they are doing.

all these actors are so charisma free and bland.the singing is good enough, the dancing is ok, but its like a disney channel type movie. re-watching the original, i was shocked at all the nudity & grittiness(did i forget or was i watching edited for tv version as a child?).

this is where i sleep,then go buy four lokos. now i am drunk enough to watch this mess.

a small lol when randy starts playing "crazy for you" & a random extra boos.i know those feels, random extra. this is the only time that ive laughed watching this movie so it also made me :-(. plus its slightly gross knowing the annoying daughter is the same girl leo has been grooming since a child to fvck. anyhoo.

they use a LOT of modern slang, absolutely no white person in the 1980s was saying "its all good" or chill.they really shouldve just made this a "modern" movie with a different title because this isnt even the plot of the original. its like this movie is never going to end. 1 more hour :-(

were teenage girls in the 1980s still lusting after shaun cassidy? i dont think so. of course theres a sandy-like scene where she turns punk instead of him getting into her hobbies/interests.........

how old is randy supposed to be? he is living alone, has no job, & doesnt go to school but is dating a teenage girl.........

it looks like her dads fake mustache is going to fall off at any moment & randy has late 1990s gavin rossdale hair.i feel like whoever made this movie really hates us.i'm so drunk my head is starting to hurt & its still almost an hour before this ends...........

i like how everybody is getting crunk to the safety dance. we need to bring that back.

i took a 4 hour break. 40 more minutes to go............

the prom scene is dumb, doesnt make any sense, & does not include "johnny are you queer?". i would be pissed if i wrote "i melt with you" & a stupid movie character took credit for it. i hope they paid that band well.i have very few regrets in life but seeing this movie is one of them..........


to finneas

dear finneas,

i am finally drunk enough to forgive you & we can be friends now. i blocked you & deleted your number so you will have to contact me

love,
the D
:-)

Thursday, May 21, 2020

"The Dallas Show" starring Dallas Harrison! quarantine special with guest star Sookie Stackhouse

i know you didnt ask but i'll tell you anyway. :-) ive been spending the majority of my quarantine begging idiots to wear cute face masks , watching true blood for the 1st time, & waiting for fedex to deiver my very important package (spoiler alert, they kept it for months shuttling it to various locations, & never delivered it).

i find true blood to be pretty stupid but the guys are cute & look better naked(which they are in every episode).i'm shocked i didnt watch this sooner,its a VERY Dallas vibe.

it would be nice if i could say i spent this time relaxing, cooking, or reading the 40+ unread books i bought but i'm not a millionaire so work still needs to be done.

Sunday, May 17, 2020

the great 2020 miniseries

not even 4 minutes in & this may be the cutest show ive ever seen.it stars elle fanning whom i always felt was much superior to the lesser fanning.i despise historical fiction, but this is pretty funny. the catherine the great miniseries starring helen mirren was good but slightly boring.i wish they wouldve spaced these out more, there are plenty other interesting historical figures that couldve used a tv show by now.

anyways.i hope this show is mostly fictional,if not catherine should be sainted for not killing peter the first year they were married.i had no idea nicholas hoult was so funny,i forgot he was in my most recent favourite movie.i feel like i'm going to be saying "HUZZAH!" a lot this year.

blind item: that biracial singer with low self esteem

something about this "singer" always rubbed me the wrong way. biracials raised by white moms always turn out worse than ones raised by a black mom but it was more than that.this "singer" is VERY sexual, always half naked, showing off her unattractive shape. turns out she used to (still is?) doing free cam shows for men (inserting cucumbers in various orifices, scat shows, vomiting, etc) & enjoys it when white men call her the n-word. she got plastic surgery on multiple body parts because these men she was doing free sex shows were insulting her looks. after the surgeries they continued to call her ugly (while she continued camming).in her spare time, she was a member of a racist, anti black chatroom.

the men she entertained online are now trying to blackmail her with the p0rn she posted. she isnt drunk when she is live on her official pages, she is high off hard drugs.i cant say that i feel sorry for her

Friday, May 15, 2020

dune 1984

i ended up watching the dune tv miniseries before watching this one because i heard it didnt make much sense if you didnt read the book. the tv show was ok but very boring,i heard the 1984 version was a campy sh!tshow but i love camp so i was ready for fvckery.

the costumes were pretty cool though i dont think black pleather in the desert is a good choice. i forgot how beautiful virginia madsen was & its a shame sean young became a punchline instead of a movie star. she was so talented(though wasnt given enough to do here, which could be said of all the actresses, really).

all these movies need more fayd & the baron harkonnen is the most interesting character. i'm incredibly disappointed the sting metal thong scene only lasted a couple of seconds.i think the audience needs to know exactly how it fit in the back. lol.

kyle maclachlan is smoking hot but his huge 1970s style hair was distracting.he was riding the worm & it didnt even move,it was so stiff. plus he doesnt look anything like the dude playing his dad. somebody said dune was a scifi movie made by someone who doesnt like scifi & i can see that. a lot of the scenes looked like they were rushed through(not to get to the point but just because the director was bored). they did patrick stewart dirty by giving him a mullet with his bald head.

im SLIGHTLY interested in seeing the new dune starring timothee chalamet only because i want to see what hottie they cast as fayd. timmy is PAINFULLY unattractive & looks like a 9 year old boy so i dont know how they are going to pull it off.

Wednesday, May 13, 2020

capone

who tf was asking for a new al capone movie? there are so many interesting historical criminals or gangsters & yet they keep making movies about this fat fvcker. i dont get it at all. plus in 2020 they really couldnt find an already obese older actor to play him? did we really need sexy, edible tom hardy in a fat suit & 30 pounds of aging makeup?

ive been a stan since he was thottin' on myspace but i am so sick of toms unnecessarily unintelligible accents & futile efforts to make himself unattractive.i honestly wish i'd never heard of this movie so i wouldnt have to waste another 2 hours of my life & yet here we are.

not even 5 minutes in & tom has a elmer fudd accent. for real? could the producer or director not ask him to mess up the entire movie? all the other actors are just sitting there acting like its ok & you know they were probably trying not to laugh. his face looks like a melted plastic halloween mask.

16 minutes in: am i supposed to be caring about any of this? am i supposed to feel sorry for capone?who wants to see a movie about the least exciting time in al capone's life? its really making me feel some sort of way knowing how many millions of dollars was wasting making this instead of a good movie.the mind boggles..........

this is like a monster movie where capone is frankenstein & there are so many unintentionally funny parts.i'm surprised i'm still watching this tbh. a wise man once said "never go full r3tard" & he was right. was this a failed attempt at getting an oscar? was any of this movie supposed to be funny?

Monday, May 11, 2020

the jerk, too

the jerk is one of my favorite movies.i remember watching it a billion times as a child & being amazed that such a stupid/funny movie had been made in the 1st place. a couple of months ago, i found out there was a sequel the jerk, too. its always a bad sign when the sequel stars someone else but i'm in quarantine & we obviously have time for fuckery. here we go.

30 minutes in & i havent laughed once.its nice to see old footage of las vegasray walston , & mabel king  but they are slumming & not given a lot to do. there is a reason why nobody knows the name mark blankfield. imdb says he was on saved by the bell but ive seen that show multiple times & dont even remember him(i assumed he was the idiot doing magic tricks but that wasnt him). now i see he was in "splash,too" so i guess his whole career was flop sequels............

50 minutes in, gwen verdon shows up & it becomes a musical, yet still incredibly boring. it makes me sad to see all these great entertainers wasting their talent/time on this mess.i hope the pay was good, at the very least.

tldr: dumb plot, boring movie, not worth watching

Wednesday, May 6, 2020

facebook "friends"

ive been on facebook for at least a decade.today was the 2nd time ive read my facebook messages in that time. there were thousands of messages but the general gist i got is that white people need more hobbies. instead of sending racist emails to black people you dont know, why not read a book? or exercise? or paint your trailer? or raise your children? why not make that extra energy into doing something productive with your life?

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to all the hotties who slid in my dms, sorry. its not you, its me. i got some non sexual emails from steven adler asking me to go to his concert. i am so sorry(you have no idea how sorry i am that i missed that). young Dallas wouldve KILLED to hang out/make out with steven adler but its probably for the best we never met.i feel like we'd be way too similar to sid and nancy & this timeline is already fucked up enough already.
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to all the distant relatives who slid out of the woodwork after you saw me on tv ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. when i needed a family, y'all were too busy so lets keep that same energy.