Friday, April 16, 2021

elvis 2005 review

 i loves me some elvis & (young) jonathan rhys meyers but idk about this. instead of casting someone who sounds like elvis, they just play his original recordings & its weird as hell. this was a tv movie but they shouldve at least tried. 

jrm playing shy is awkward as hell though he was born to play a rockstar. all of this should be exciting but its just boring & idgaf. the costumes are cheap & he has late 1990s hair. his fake sideburns look like they are about to fall off if he moves his head too quickly. randy quaid is so underrated. the girl cast as priscilla is youngish but isnt as young looking as a 14 year old priscilla presley. they shouldve cast an actual child because that is what she was. i'm guessing rose mcgowan is going to be ann margret? i hope not. rose will look insane with anything but black hair.

its weird how the girl playing priscilla looks like a less attractive version of lindsay lohan when lohan wouldve been almost perfect for her role (or ann margret). this isnt worth wasting almost 3 hours for.

Wednesday, March 31, 2021

wes craven's dracula 2000 movie review

 ive seen damn near every english language dracula film/tv show & 700 years later, coppolas continues to be the best.i dont have high hopes for dracula 2000 because gerard butler was only good looking for a second when he was young. a perfect vampire has to be super sexy or super scary & gerard doesnt have the looks/talent to be either. 

who lied & said jennifer esposito was appealing or attractive? danny masterson was always annoying at best so its nice to see him get killed. justine waddell in modern clothes is so weird to me.i wonder why she wasnt a huge star. 

they gave gerard hair like a 1980s housewife. is this supposed to be sexy? i keep waiting for him to sing "with arms wide open".  the only thing scaring me is his hair tbh. i have no idea what is going on with this plot & thats probably for the best. its doing too much yet not enough. this movie is so dumb but trying to be art & failing so bad.

i feel like this movie will be better in 40 years once the clothes are really out of style & the slang is forgotten/hilarious. i wonder how much virgin paid to be in this. damn near every scene is at or about the virgin megastore, its like a 2 hour commercial. the creepy new orleans setting plus y2k aesthetic & heavy metal soundtrack is great, it just doesnt work because the lead actors are so miscast. 

Friday, March 5, 2021

coming 2 america 2021 movie review

i think people forget that coming 2 america is supposed to be a fairytale. all of this is just fantasy, there is no zamunda, its just a silly comedy. i'm slightly scared to watch this(as excited as i am). if this movie is lame, i will be VERY upset.

its crazy that 800 years later, vanessa bell calloway is still the prettiest actress in the movie. i dont like the way she keeps getting treated, though. where's maxine? where's spinderella? not even 20 minutes in & this disrespect of black women is making me feel some sort of way.

i feel like these younger actors are just there to be there. they arent adding anything to the plot. jermaine fowler is annoying & has no charm, they shouldve made his part smaller & wesley snipes role bigger. i love how the daughters come in kicking azz. it needs more of them & less this useless, boring son. it wasnt funny enough & too many flashbacks to the 1st movie.

Friday, February 19, 2021

bromans part deux

 


so i never actually finished watching bromans. there was a part that was so cringeworthy that i couldnt(the same thing thats been happening with borat 2.ive been trying to watch that since it came out). 

since plebs wont be on anytime soon, i already finished rome , & i, claudius was too boring, i guess i will be forced to watch the rest of this. i die a little inside anytime they say "massive unit". doctore is "well fit" as they say. too bad he's a misogynist. the polyester weaves are making me sad again. all the womens hair looks so dry & matted. did they not allow them to bring conditioner? 

everybody is angry at medina because she refuses to lie & say its ok her boyfriend lost due to his stupidity. this is making me want to turn it off. fragile masculinity strikes again & of course, its all her fault he is a moron.

i'm mad the 33 year old woman looks younger than "teenage" summer. why am i so attracted to tom? lusting after him makes me feel like a lesbian. the fake lipped slag says dinos azz is big & hairy. i dont know what to do with this information. without photographic proof, how will i know if she is lying?

i dont like that they are bringing in new couples every episode when sophii(??wtf??) from the 1st episode was so great (& banished). just bring back sophii & let her talk shit for the next 6 episodes. pretty glenn talking to that other dude about his big d!ck is making me feel some sort of way. again, i'm going to need some proof here.

its nice to see the girls hanging out & bonding before they have to compete with each other though i dont like the fake friendliness. not to be a reality show cliche but they really arent there to make friends so no need to hug & cry like that. i like ellie, shes so spicy.

its incredible they waited until the season was almost over before getting a couple that wasnt completely boring. FINALLY tom spreads those phat cheeks in the shower. now i can die? whoever wrote the outline/script is a moron. who gaf about the challenges & fights? just have the bromans shower with each other for the entire show. no need to get fancy with all the rest of that nonsense.

the neanderthal genes really popped out when they decided it would be fun to splash each other with urine. i cannot with them plucking hairs with tweezers out of that boys anus then rubbing his crack with butter. all the interesting parts are 2 minutes long but the editors let the boring stuff go on forever. its weird. its like they dont want people to watch(or have a 2nd season). its no fun seeing non professionals fail at sport competitions. its like when the real world decided to force everyone to get jobs instead of just hanging out at the house & causing drama. it was so boring i havent watched it since. all you need to do is get them in a room, get them some alcohol, & turn the camera on. all this other stuff is so unnecessary. 

i find it hilarious they basically banished homeboy because he had red hair & pale skin. i'd rather see the girls doing these competitions than the men, they are much more entertaining. its VERY rude they only gave them string bikinis to fight in & not actual shirts or underwired bra tops.i feel like the matches couldve been better if they werent so worried about losing their bikini tops. true roman female athletes wore breast binders, not flimsy spandex eye patches.

the kemp twins are ridiculously good looking & i can never tell them apart.i guess this is the one that was on  eastenders? too many stupid speeches & not enough of toms phat cheeks! i can see why this got cancelled......

Sunday, February 14, 2021

♥ "my" elvis, trauma p0rn, + happy valentines day! ♥


 so i accidentally stumbled upon all the old emails from my ex rockstar boyfriend "elvis". i didnt even remember we emailed for years after he dumped me for having cancer. that whole time period was so traumatic that i dont remember a lot of it.

back then, i assumed i was pregnant & it turned out to be cancer. i named the tumor after the baby i thought i would be having(Norma Jean).i forgot all about that.....

he "loved" me because i was the only one to tell him the truth & he hated me because i was the only one to tell him the truth. i identify with anne boleyn so strongly. it hurts reading these emails, him saying he missed me(mind you this was after he dumped me & he never once tried to see me again, yet for years kept begging for my new phone numbers. plural). i am not strong enough to read them all, just seeing bits & pieces hurts so bad. finding these old love letters plus the whole marilyn manson abuse stuff is making me feel some sort of way(yes, ive known for years how bad mm was/is, no there is no excuse for what he did & will continue to do).

i am sad & drained & i still love elvis. its hard knowing the only person you ever loved dumped you for having cancer. i am still stuck in that same place & i wish i could get over him


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many millions of years ago while traveling through nevada, me & an ex boyfriend went to an outlet mall in the middle of nowhere. it was gigantic & pretty much empty. i wasnt interested in any of the stores so i left him to wander the 2nd floor. no one was there & there was nothing on that floor except for an antique car in a huge plastic box with a bench in front of it.

i got closer & the car was so full of bullet holes you could see right through it. then it hit me, it was the car bonnie & clyde died in. it was one of the most depressing things ive ever seen in my life. i sat down on that bench & cried for bonnie parker, another bored texas girl iso something to do.

Friday, January 15, 2021

blind items: the "dom" & the housewife

 

every day this just keeps getting messier & messier.at first, i was entertained but now i'm worried. this old money actor loves to beat & abuse young women but goes to this older pretty blonde housewife when he wants to submit. she is a dominatrix at sex parties in the most hidden of hills when not filming her reality tv show.

i feel like his pr team is going to take over, the "i''m sorry" lies will begin, he will go to a rehab for a month,& then quietly abuse/rape/torture sex workers afterwards. he might have a house in virginia but his career will be back to normal by autumn.

Sunday, December 27, 2020

blind gossip: the shock jock who is hiding in the closet

 

i always thought it was weird when that radio shock jock married the ugly "blonde supermodel". turns out he basically picked her out of an escort catalogue to be his beard. he's been in love with & in a serious relationship with his look alike hairstylist this entire time.
another shocker is that old black television host who is now coming back into the spotlight. he ended up secretly marrying his boyfriend & is now urging his tranny loving co star to come out as well. next summer should be pretty interesting

Friday, December 18, 2020

ma rainey's black bottom

ma rainey's black bottom has a lot to unpack & i didnt like most of it but i do think they made a lot of good points. a lot of it will go over most white peoples heads, though(especially about the lack of basic respect/racism & the constant stealing from black people. yes all of that is still being done in 2020). i feel like i have to watch it again to really understand what was going on. viola davis is so talented but whoever had the idea to slather her in baby oil shouldve been fired. i guess i'm most disappointed because i thought it would be more like bessie

i can always tell a play that has been made into a movie & i'm guessing that is most of the problem. it just pisses me off because the monologues are SOOOOOO long & you are stuck in that one room for most of the film. i'm not making too much sense but since this is my blog i guess i dont have too..........

pee wee's playhouse christmas special

i LOVED pee wee as a child & its incredible how many gay/kitsch elements he had in the show. was pee wee herman the reason why i turned into a female female impersonator? :-)

pee wee's playhouse christmas special stars grace jones, annette funicello, frankie avalon, oprah, zsa zsa gabor, cher, little richard, charro,whoopi goldberg, etc. watching all the shows again really reminds me of how slept on/underrated paul reubens is. the christmas special is SO funny & its a shame he only did one.

Friday, December 11, 2020

resolutions

 

i had a lot planned for this year that never happened & it seems like 2021 wont be any different. the hoi polloi thinks they can throw away their masks as soon as january 1st because their daddy trump is going to save them. lmfao

absolutely nothing will change next year. trump bought enough vaccine for 50 million people. there are at least 320 million people living in the USA. the company says they cannot make more until at least june 2021. do the math.

its been interesting to see how y'all have become more like your Neanderthal ancestors over the past 9 months. ive never seen so much crime or people being run over by cars in my entire life(all from my bedroom window).


since most americans are too stupid/lazy/selfish to wash their hands or wear a mask, dont think a miracle will happen any time soon. its incredible that the fall of the american empire happened because people were too stupid to wear a mask but here we are. the lockdown was the easy part. 2021 is going to be even worse, get ready


eta: hmmmmm 

eta2: Despite Trump administration promise, government has no more 'reserve' 2nd vaccine doses