various musings from the former muse

 

i was so excited when i heard that i had been cast in the last movie i worked on. that was a while ago & i still have not seen that movie. it seems like a lot of my life is like that, i get excited then absolutely nothing happens.

my favorite holiday is halloween/my birthday but i havent celebrated it in years. maybe this year? probably not but dreams are free.

i always forget i have "fans" & that i was on tv & thats why strangers think they know me.

6 degrees of separation is so real here in hollywood. so many former friends who are connected & they dont see but i see.i am the missing puzzle piece that brings it all together & only i know where the bodies are buried.

i stopped having dreams years ago when i started taking sleeping pills. my dreams have come back recently but its only the same dream over & over. i am dead,i have died, but no one knows,not even me. i get up & work, i eat, my schedule is the same but i am dead. im sure a therapist would have a lot to say about that

a complete stranger came up to me & said he liked that i was natural & didnt have plastic surgery. natural is a word that i would NEVER use to describe myself so that was weird & unsettling.....

a star is born

 feeling a bit nostalgic since so many exs have crawled out of the woodworks lately.i dont know if ive told this story before,but since this is my blog,i can do what i want. this is the story of how i was "discovered". 

by this time i'd already done a reality tv show with corey feldman that i assume was never on tv(i really have no idea).i had been on other tv shows & had small parts in independent movies. mtv was doing a wrestling show & somehow i had been invited backstage. i had a crush on one of the wrestlers(did he invite me? i dont remember). i do remember feeling pissed because the wrestler had been rude. an unattractive, boring man had been following me around backstage. since he refused to leave me alone, i told him to be useful, & demanded that he get on his knees & rub my feet(which he did).

the annoying man said(while he was rubbing my feet), "by the way, im the casting director at mtv & i would like for you to go to dinner with me tomorrow, then come to my office to audition the next day". i say ok & he leaves. we go to dinner,i get wasted as per usual, & the next morning i am at his office to audition for "rock of love"(no casting couch shenanigans but yes today he wouldve definitely have been canceled).they were acting like i was the 2nd coming of jesus, they had never seen someone so funny. a star is born!

♥ "my" elvis, trauma p0rn, + happy valentines day! ♥

 so i accidentally stumbled upon all the old emails from my ex rockstar boyfriend "elvis". i didnt even remember we emailed for years after he dumped me for having cancer. that whole time period was so traumatic that i dont remember a lot of it.

back then, i assumed i was pregnant & it turned out to be cancer. i named the tumor after the baby i thought i would be having(Norma Jean).i forgot all about that.....

he "loved" me because i was the only one to tell him the truth & he hated me because i was the only one to tell him the truth. i identify with anne boleyn so strongly. it hurts reading these emails, him saying he missed me(mind you this was after he dumped me & he never once tried to see me again, yet for years kept begging for my new phone numbers. plural). i am not strong enough to read them all, just seeing bits & pieces hurts so bad. finding these old love letters plus the whole marilyn manson {alleged} abuse stuff is making me feel some sort of way(yes, ive known for years how {allegedly} bad mm was/is, no there is no excuse for what he {allegedly} did & will {allegedly} continue to do).

i am sad & drained & i still love elvis. its hard knowing the only person you ever loved dumped you for having cancer. i am still stuck in that same place & i wish i could get over him

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many millions of years ago while traveling through nevada, me & an ex boyfriend went to an outlet mall in the middle of nowhere. it was gigantic & pretty much empty. i wasnt interested in any of the stores so i left him to wander the 2nd floor. no one was there & there was nothing on that floor except for an antique car in a huge plastic box with a bench in front of it.

i got closer & the car was so full of bullet holes you could see right through it. then it hit me, it was the car bonnie & clyde died in. it was one of the most depressing things ive ever seen in my life. i sat down on that bench & cried for bonnie parker, another bored texas girl iso something to do.

my rock of love charm school uniforms

this is the part of lockdown where i pretend to clean up. while said "cleaning up", i found my old rock of love charm school uniforms. i completely forgot i still had them. anyway so i'm posting them for sale on ebay & depop.i usually post new items on depop every friday & i have A LOT of stuff to post so keep checking back if you are looking for something in particular

"The Dallas Show" starring Dallas Harrison! quarantine special with guest star Sookie Stackhouse

i know you didnt ask but i'll tell you anyway. :-) ive been spending the majority of my quarantine begging idiots to wear cute face masks , watching true blood for the 1st time, & waiting for fedex to deliver my very important package (spoiler alert, they kept it for months shuttling it to various locations, & never delivered it).

i find true blood to be pretty stupid but the guys are cute & look better naked(which they are in every episode).i'm shocked i didnt watch this sooner,its a VERY Dallas vibe.

it would be nice if i could say i spent this time relaxing, cooking, or reading the 40+ unread books i bought but i'm not a millionaire so work still needs to be done.

steal my style: retro afro shorts

steal my style: wednesday addams black white peter pan collar romper

this reminds me of something vintage Courtney love wore in the 1990s .Picasso had his blue phase & I have my romper phase. notice how I only take pix when i'm drunk :-)

steal my style: oxblood velvet romper

steal my style: plaid romper

steal my style: retro frida kahlo

va va voom!

yes,i photoshopped a background because I did not want to clean up. who hasn't? :-)  the dress is by vava voom.I LOVE their sexy rockabilly midi dresses, the cut is fab, the prints are bold but it was too low cut(I had to sew myself into the neckline) & my boobs are way too big to show off that much cleavage. I've reluctantly decided to sell it here on ebay